then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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