Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
