I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
