he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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