I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
