apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
