Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
