I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
