I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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