I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You're a waste of cheezeits
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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