no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
