I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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