We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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