remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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