Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
