so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
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They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
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My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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