Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
