i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I forget how to act sober
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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