I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
