Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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