One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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