Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
