we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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