Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
