trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
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buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
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We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar