I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck