wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO