Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
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Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
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Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme