i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
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You slow clapped the stripper last night.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
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May the power of my ass compel you!!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.