I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
