Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
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I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
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Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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