Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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