found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
