3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
