1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
