He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
