I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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