i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
