Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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