I just pynch a tree in the face
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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