I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
