I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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