I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
