just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
