I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
