Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
