I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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