She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
