Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
