I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
