i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
