what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
