to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
