Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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