is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
