Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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