I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
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