Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
