She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
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Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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