She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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