Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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