At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
