I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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