I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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