i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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