Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
