She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
