So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
