Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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